How Accept A Divorce When You Don’t Want It.
1. Do Your Best to Let Go of Control.
Every person has the ability, to the extent of their abilities, to do what they want in this life, but actions aren’t without consequence. Harm can exist regardless of intention. You have the right to your feelings, but you don’t have the right to control another human. The energy that you may waste in trying to control another person is better spent on your own mental, emotional, and physical health.
2. Accept What You are Feeling and Experiencing.
It’s important to not try to fight what you are feeling or experiencing during this time. Your feelings are valid, and to be present with them is a gift you can give yourself in order to get through. This is not a time to try to swallow your feelings or to push them away. The best thing is to get into therapy, so you have a designated space each session to fall apart, to express your emotions, and to be held, witnessed, and validated.
3. Don’t Make Impulsive Decisions
There’s a lot to be said about the healing power of allowing your feelings to exist without action, allowing them to come and go instead of making decisions from a place of dysregulation. Try not to make any decisions from a place of anger, overwhelm, or upset. Make sure you’re engaging in some forms of self-care that allow you to regulate your nervous system and emotions. You may need more alone time than usual if you have kids. You may need to take a break from your job, or caretaking. Whatever you need to do to regulate, it’s important that you do that at this time. This will help you avoid impulsive decision making that will lead to further difficulties and negative outcomes. Take care of your future self.
4. Reach out to Other Divorcees
You’d be surprised how many people have been through a version of what you are going through. Whether it’s an in-person group, a close friend, or an online support group, there are often other people who can empathize with you and give you advice because they’ve been in the same situation, or a very similar situation as you. They’ve dealt with or are dealing with the same emotions as you. In a time when a support system can help, there’s no reason to be alone. Reach out to your therapist to find out about groups that may help you, or for advice on where to find other people going through what you are going through. Therapists often know of ongoing support groups that you can join.
5. Make a Plan
When it feels like your world is being turned upside down, it can be helpful to have a plan. Whether it’s a daily plan, like what to do from sunup to sundown to stay in a good headspace, or whether it’s a divorce plan (or both), try to have something down on paper that you can follow when it gets hard to think. A lot of people freeze when in a traumatic situation, and it can be hard to act. Having either a plan on paper, or someone you can call who can tell you what to do with your day, can help. An executive functioning therapist can help you act when it feels like you can’t get a grasp on starting, or finishing, tasks. Our therapist, Bonnie, is a good match for you if that’s the case. She can help hold you accountable and make sure you stay on track with your mental health.
6. Focus on Long Term Goals
Try to remember that out there, somewhere in the future, is your future self. This is the self that has made it through this period of your life. Close your eyes now and try to picture them. Picture them thriving. What decisions do they need you to make now so that they can have the life they want, a fulfilling life, a better life than the one even they are exiting? Try to see what their (your) long term goals are, and envision the best path to get there. Do they want to be financially stable? Do they want freedom? Love? Partnership? Travel? What decisions can you make today, this week, this month, this year, to help your future self thrive? It’s never too late to make steps toward your future, that ensure and lock-in your happiness.
What do I do?
All life transitions are hard, but there’s something particularly difficult about going through a divorce that you don’t want. When one partner initiates an ending to a marriage and the other partner doesn’t want to end the relationship, it can feel like deep betrayal accompanied by extreme anxiety, depression, low self-worth, rejection, and trauma.
f you were blind-sided by the divorce conversation or proceedings, this can feel almost like a sudden death, full of grief, regret, anger, and confusion. Please know that these feelings are normal to have during this time.
Emotions may come up as rage, grief, fatigue, sadness, or anxiety. If you are struggling with moving through the emotions of divorce, please seek help. We have two therapists at The Cozy Couch Counseling in Sandy Springs who specialize in transitional periods of difficult emotions: Bonnie and Carley. We are happy to help you through this time by supporting you at The Cozy Couch Counseling.
